Not a Real Reality

by Justin on July 29, 2010

That’s a scary looking formula. We’ll come back to it later. For now, let’s talk about action films, insane gods, and butterflies.

Just before the turn of the millennium, the global zeitgeist was aflame with uncertainty about a great many things. Would the Y2k bug spark global chaos? Would the turn of the clock herald the Second Coming? What would become of Conan’s “In the Year 2000″ sketch?

This uncertainty had a ripple effect that reached the core of our collective anxieties, and was reflected back to us in the cinema of 1999 – a year of questioning the reality of… well… reality.

The Matrix: Are we living in a computer simulation?

The Thirteenth Floor: Are we living in a computer simulation within a computer simulation?

Dark City: Are we trapped in an alien simulation?

eXistenZ: Are we still in the game?

Fight Club: Am I Tyler Durden?

The Sixth Sense: Am I dead?

It certainly wasn’t the first time these questions have been collectively asked, and it wouldn’t be the last, either. As you might have guessed, the inspiration for bringing this all up right now is this summer’s big hit, Inception (Am I still dreaming?). There are serious philosophers (Descartes) who have postulated variations of the The Dream Argument, which states that we can never be fully certain whether or not we’re “awake” because a dreamer doesn’t realize he’s dreaming.

A dozen or so centuries before Descartes, a Chinese philosopher named Zhuangzi dreamt he was a butterfly in a parable aptly named Zhuangzi dreamt he was a butterfly:

Zhuangzi dreamt he was a butterfly , a butterfly flitting and fluttering around, happy with himself and doing as he pleased. He didn’t know he was Zhuangzi. Suddenly he woke up and there he was, solid and unmistakable Zhuangzi. But he didn’t know if he was Zhuangzi who had dreamt he was a butterfly, or a butterfly dreaming he was Zhuangzi.

Zhuangzi dreamt he was a butterfly

Around the same time, but a little further west, Plato questioned whether or not our perceptions are able to define what ultimately constitutes reality. He illustrated our sensory limitations with his Allegory of the Cave, which you should remember from your high school humanities class:

Well after Plato died of old age, there arose a sort of fusion of Christianity and Neoplatonism called Gnosticism. The Gnostics believed that our world was a degraded copy of a higher-level of reality and consciousness, sort of like the loss of resolution when you look at a painting within a painting.

Painting within a Painting - Whistler's Mother

The most intact Gnostic texts we have today were discovered in Nag Hammadi, Egypt in 1945. These documents contain treatises which explain this cosmology using the literary and religious tropes of the times in which they were written. They lay out an extremely dense and complex cosmic drama in which one of the gods, a pretty run-of-the-mill god as far as gods go, somehow spirals into a state of blind madness, leading him to believe that he is the One True God. This astral nutcase is referred to as the Demiurge, and he keeps us imprisoned here in this degraded reality with seemingly no way out.

The word ‘gnosis’ is one of the Greek words for ‘knowledge’. It’s fitting, as the Gnostics believe that the only true salvation for mankind is for us to awaken to the true nature of our imprisonment and eventually return to the higher level of being from whence we came.

Think of the prisoner who is freed from Plato’s cave. If he went back to talk to his old buddies, what would they think of him and all of the gobbeldy-gook coming out of his mouth? They’d probably either ignore it, or completely misinterpret it by utilizing their own limited frame of reference, right?

Likewise, if an ancient philosopher somehow spotted the seams of a simulated reality, how would they have interpreted it? Perhaps one possible answer to that question was found in the clay jars of Nag Hammadi in 1945. As one of Arthur C. Clarke’s laws of prediction states: “Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.”

Now that we have computer software and can use it to simulate physics, can we definitively state that we’ll never be able to create digital consciousness? Let’s go back to that scary looking equation at the top of this blog entry. It’s a temporal logic formula illustrating a trilemma created by Oxford philosopher, Nick Bostrom. This is the central formula in his Simulation Argument. The full text of the hypothesis can be found here.

In it’s simplest form, the Simulation Argument goes something like this. One of the following must be true:

  1. No civilization will ever reach a technological level capable of producing simulated realities.
  2. No civilization reaching aforementioned technological status will ever produce a simulated reality, for any of a number of reasons, such as diversion of computational processing power for other tasks, ethical considerations of holding entities captive in simulated realities, etc.
  3. Almost all entities with our general set of experiences are living in a simulation.

If you think that (1) and (2) are both false, you should accept (3). The reason being that, if a civilization becomes both willing and capable of creating simulated consciousness, then the number of simulated entities created over the expanse of time would be likely to so vastly outnumber the number of “real” entities that have ever lived that it’s extremely improbable that you are not in a simulation.

It’s really just a probability experiment, but even accepting the Simulation Hypothesis as fact would not necessarily mean that one’s life is “fake” or that one’s memories are “false”. The reality could simply be that at the core of physics is computation, and that the invisible force which holds subatomic particles together is software.

If you want to loosen your grip on the certainty of your surroundings, spend a marathon weekend watching all of the great reality and/or memory-questioning films back-to-back, then pass out from exhaustion. It’ll be interesting to see what sort of dreams my recommended playlist would inspire:

  1. Inception (Go see it in the theater. Twice.)
  2. The Matrix
  3. eXistenZ
  4. Memento
  5. Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind
  6. Jacob’s Ladder
  7. Total Recall
  8. Twelve Monkeys
  9. Lost Highway
  10. Blade Runner
  11. Mulholland Drive
  12. Vanilla Sky

{ 0 comments }

Someone on TopTenz.net recently posted a(nother) Top 10 Fictional Fictional Brands from Movies and TV list, which included Morleys, Big Kahuna Burger, and so on. At the end of the list was ACME, and here’s what the strident blogger had to say about this company:

There is no more culturally famous fake company than Acme, the fictional corporation from the classic Looney Toons cartoon series that makes anything and everything under the sun—and all of it defective. The Acme brand is probably most famously associated with the Wile E. Coyote and Road Runner cartoons, which depict a coyote that is perpetually trying to capture a speedy roadrunner by using a collection of ridiculous contraptions provided by the Acme Corporation. These include everything from a giant rubber band (labeled as suitable “for tripping road runners”), to rocket powered roller skates. The products invariably fail to work, and the coyote always ends up on the receiving end of his own trap.

Most normal people would chuckle silently and move on to the next time-wasting blog, however, this is an absolute impossibility for nerds – especially when they see that someone is clearly wrong on the internet. Check out Walter’s comment:

I’m sure that, like me, you read this comment in the voice of Comic Book Guy from The Simpsons, and imagined that while Walter was feverishly typing away his rebuttal, he was pausing intermittently to push up the oversized glasses sliding down his greasy nerd nose. But after my laughter subsided, I began to actually consider his argument. And you know what? He’s 100% right. Mr. Coyote is not merely the hapless consumer of the defective products manufactured by an ineffectual and monopolistic corporation, but a dim canine seemingly incapable of learning from his multiple user errors.

To add frivolity to libel, the ridiculous court case, Coyote v. ACME Products Corp, is merely a long list of unsubstantiated claims against the company which seek to disguise the incompetence of one user as gross negligence by the designers. This is the lowest form of litigation, and if I were the retained legal counsel of ACME, I’d sue that obsessive little Canis latrans into the ground.

And then I’d drop an anvil on his head.

{ 0 comments }

Goldslick and Binyon’s

by Justin on July 20, 2010

Goldslick Gold Flake Vodka from Superbad

You know, I heard from my cousin Walter that the tiny flakes of gold in Goldslick Vodka lacerate your throat on the way down – allowing the alcohol to enter your bloodstream directly. Also, did you know that every can of Old Muskogee beer is packed with extra air pressure for more effective “shotgunning”?

Old Muskogee Beer from Superbad

Okay, so I made those facts up. But they sound like they could be true, right? Sort of? Maybe?

The first time I watched Superbad, I was so busy L-ing my FAO that I didn’t even notice the explosive abundance of fictional alcoholic beverages all over the film. I mean, they’re practically the axis on which the entire plot of this profane high school raunchfest rotates. For some odd reason, the producers had a bit of trouble obtaining clearance to use actual brands of liquor and beer in a film almost entirely about underage drinking.

Superbad liquor aisle

Binyon's Beer from Superbad

From this interview on MovieWeb with co-writers Seth Rogen and Evan Goldberg:

Can you talk about coming up with the fake alcohol names?

Evan Goldberg: That’s something we cannot totally take credit for.

Seth Rogen: There was a guy. He’s actually the guy who plays the bartender at Bailey’s in the film. Every single bottle of alcohol you see in the movie is fake. And in the liquor store there are literally thousands of fake bottles, because no actual alcohol company would clear their name for usage. The best one is Pap Smear Gin. That is one that really made us laugh. And there was Trotsky Vodka, which had a picture of Trotsky on it.

Evan Goldberg: The main one was Binyon’s. I think that sounds real.

Seth Rogen: Yeah, Binyon’s Beer. And there was Old Muskogee. The guy that made them has a nickname. Dr. Label, or Dr. Bottle. I can’t remember. But the guy that plays the bartender is the guy who did those. He is the end all be all of fake labels.

The “guy that plays the bartender” is our dear and very close friend (he briefly responded to an email months ago), Ted Haigh. If you don’t know who he is, click on his name in the Tag Cloud of this site to catch up. Haigh’s nickname is neither Dr. Label nor Dr. Bottle, but Dr. Cocktail, and he’s responsible for many unique imaginary brands that dot the cinematic landscape.

Ted Haigh in Superbad

I don’t know if there are “literally thousands” of fake bottles in the film, but there certainly are a lot. Haigh had his work cut out for him – inventing all of the aforementioned beverages, as well as Kyle’s Killer Lemonade and Biltmon’s Vodka – and all the other ones that we never even get a chance to read.

Superbad beers

I can’t give Haigh credit for Bilson Beer and Penzburg Beer, however, because I recognize those as staples from the prop house, Independent Studio Services. In fact, the founder of ISS is named Gregg Bilson, Sr.   I can only assume that Penzburg gets its name from the Bavarian city.

There are other made-up things in Superbad that I could talk about, but as I’ve said before – I try to keep this blog PG-13. Instead of posting pics of the Vagtastic Voyage website, I’ll just leave you with a wholesome image of an interesting bit of currency:

80 Dollar Bill from Superbad

{ 0 comments }

Demakes Roundup

by Justin on July 7, 2010

Down-conversion is running rampant on the World Wide Webs, lately. It seems as if everyone is getting a kick out of trying to squeeze the present through the filter of the past.

Here are some Atarified anachronisms from the now defunct The-Minusworld.com:

Resident Evil 5 - Atari 2600
Portal - Atari 2600
Halo 3 - Atari 2600
Bioshock - Atari 2600
Call of Duty 4 - Atari 2600

For those experiencing double déjà vu, you’re not going slowly insane – we actually have been here before. See Gaming the Past and Black Box (P)revisited.

While the work above is merely packaging for versions of games that don’t (or didn’t) really exist, there are a few modern titles that have been down-converted into games that you can actually download and play!

A very high-quality demake is Corner’s Shiny – a NES version of the parkour-based Mirror’s Edge game for PS3 and Xbox 360, complete with faux NES cartridge design:

Corner's Shiny NES cartridge

Corner's Shiny

Corner's Shiny

There’s also Goldeneye 2D - a Game Boy-esque version of the Nintendo 64 classic shooter.  This was created by the folks at Perfect Run:

GoldenEye 2D

Then there’s the Pixel Force: Left 4 Dead rollback from the Xbox 360 game to an NES version – designed by Eric Ruth Games:

Pixel Force:  Left 4 Dead

But my favorite is definitely Super 3D Portals 6 – a version of the groundbreaking modern puzzle adventure game that’s made as it would have been for the Atari 2600. No impeccably shaded, nausea-inducing, mind-melting technology here – just good clean 1.19MHz fun!

Super 3D Portals 6

Within the Me & My Katamari game for the PSP is an 8-bit side-scrolling Katamari minigame:

8-bit Katamari

As for mock-up games that you can’t actually play, Gary from Army of Trolls released some screenshots of a would-be old school version of Evil Dead RPG:

Evil Dead RPG Mockup

Over at Way of the Pixel, Adam Atomic challenged fellow pixel artists to Game Boy-ify some modern titles. He got quite a response. Have to say, it’s an impressive feat to take a CPU performance of 9 billion dot product operations per second and transform it to 4-color 8-bit:

Game Boy demakes

Finally, watch the 8-bit version of Twilight that’s been making the rounds:

{ 0 comments }

Nails, Mooby’s, and Buddy Christ

by Justin on July 6, 2010

An abundance of inside jokes and references weave together the movies that fall within Kevin Smith’s View Askewniverse canon. Films like Clerks, Mallrats, Chasing Amy, and Dogma drop allusions to unseen characters (like “Cousin Walter”, who met an undignified demise) or feature similar pop culture conversations (as in the inordinate amount of Burt Reynolds-centric discussions).

Of course, you wouldn’t be reading about it here if the View Askewniverse didn’t also feature its own brands:

Other than the ubiquitous Nails Cigarettes posters and cigarette cartons, there isn’t much discussion or elaboration on this brand in the films. However, as in the case of Higham Superfilters, there must be some unseen details only visible to those inside the screen.

“Mysterio” from Aint it Cool News got a chance to visit the office of Smith’s oft-used Production Designer, Robert “Ratface” Holtzman on the set of Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back. He writes:

There, it’s like heaven for any View Askew fan. All those cool Mooby posters, the Brodie shirt, designs and logos… all of it, is done here. This is ground zero. There are Mooby menus, cups, posters, production designs and blueprints, tons of specially designed and dressed props. It’s cool to see and read the fine print on a pack of Nails, or reading the inside gags bits on the Mooby menu that would otherwise would fly by onscreen so fast you wouldn’t catch, seeing rejected material that Miramax deemed a little too offensive. Sweet stuff to see indeed!

Mooby the Golden Calf is both a fictional chidren’s character (a la Barney), and the mascot of the spinoff fast food franchise, Mooby’s. Askewniverse characters work at Mooby’s, wear Mooby merch, and sometimes even murder Mooby executives.

The View Askew merch site, Jay and Silent Bob’s Secret Stash, once auctioned off screen-used props which included much of the Mooby’s paraphernalia so excitedly described by “Mysterio”, and seen above.

In order to liven up the image of the Catholic Church, Dogma’s Cardinal Glick (George Carlin) unveils the Buddy Christ campaign. Meant to replace the grim image of a tortured, bleeding savior, Buddy Christ is just a happy dude who thinks you’re a-okay. You can buy this version of the upbeat son of God on Amazon. Now that’s swell!

Like the Creator God of the Deists, Kevin Smith set the View Askewniverse in motion, and then slowly backed out of the room. He’s apparently done with that part of his career – Clerks II being the tail end of the geeky, pop-culture obsessed, slightly juvenile (okay… VERY juvenile) ouroboros.

Perhaps other filmmakers will keep the flame alive by occasionally giving characters a pack of Nails to smoke, or dropping references to Cousin Walter. Poor, poor Cousin Walter.

{ 0 comments }

NART News

by Justin on July 6, 2010

Been a bit busy lately, but more content is underway. In the meantime:

  • Not a Real Thing was recently featured in Argentina’s newspaper, Clarín. You can read the article in English (sort of) or Spanish. Thanks to Nicolás Artusi for the interest, and the thoughtful questions.
  • I’ll be speaking on a panel at Geekend 2010 in Savannah, Georgia in November. Holla if you’re in the area. More details to come.
  • If any readers with artistic talent in their souls and time on their hands want to help out with content, I’d like to do a long-form feature on all of the fictional companies in Ayn Rand’s weapon-sized novel, Atlas Shrugged. The entry I have in mind would be a paragraph about each company with a corporate logo at the top of each one. If any graphic designers (pro or amateur) familiar with Rand’s magnum opus wanna take this on, please send me an email. Your payment will be the undying adulation of Argentinians and Libertarians – especially Argentinian Libertarians.

{ 0 comments }

CINCO Roundup

by Justin on July 2, 2010

CINCO Chemical & Toy Division logo

Rich Shivener from Topless Robot beat me to the punch on this one, so rather than shamelessly steal his content, I’ll just shamefully link to it:

Read 8 Great CINCO Products from Tim & Eric Awesome Show, Great Job

{ 0 comments }

May Cause Follicle Necrosis

July 1, 2010

While we’re on a Fallout 3 kick, I’ll point out some more examples of fixation on the game’s branded power-ups. Chris Furniss from Weekly Geek created meatspace versions of his favorite in-game accoutrements in order to add a bit of flair to his nerdy cosplay habit:

Nuka-Cola caps: The post-apocalyptic currency [...]

Read the full article →

Strontium and Pomegranate

June 29, 2010

Here’s an example of brand fiction as a subset of fan fiction. 17-year-old Ken F from Arizona is part of a community of PC gamers who modify the original game code and graphics in order to incorporate their own creative vision into the experience. The modders will alter the game’s avatar, give themselves [...]

Read the full article →

UnCoke Roundup

June 26, 2010

A.  Real Soda, art piece by Ashley Anderson
B. Flazzle, prop soda by Earl Hays Press
C. Cocola, prop soda by Schein Berlin
D. Coca-Cobra, trading card from Wacky Packages
E.  Power Up, from Bad Dudes – NES version
F.  Power Up, from Bad Dudes – arcade version
G.  Cola, prop soda by Earl Hays Press
H.  Nuka-Cola, from Fallout 3
I don’t [...]

Read the full article →

Blammo! Marketing (or Not a Real Selling Point)

June 23, 2010

When Blammo! released Log in the United States, they launched an infectious ad campaign that quickly took the nation by storm. If you haven’t already seen this commercial, be warned: This song will not leave your brain for a long, long time.

The jingle for Log contains all of the product’s selling points:

Bigness
Heaviness
Woodenness
Goodness

Okay, so [...]

Read the full article →